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Well, I'm weaning myself off of Phenytoin. I've tried to find a doctor that would perscribe me a refill to last me until my appointment at the hospital nuerology building, but no one will, and I don't have the money to go to the emergency room.



So, I'm weaning myself off of it. I've been taking 300mg for almost a year now, then about a week or two ago I took it down to 200mg, and Friday I started taking 100mg, until I run out which is in about 5 or 6 days.



I've been having longer, hard to get out of episodes, and I'm really worried. I've researched coming off the medication on-line, and everyone tells me no, don't do it. That I'm at risk of SUDEP (sudden unexplained death of epilepsy) and at risk of more seizures and longer more intense uncontrolled seizures.



I had 5 or 6 episodes this afternoon. I don't know if it was a dream or hallucination, but during one of them while I was fighting, I got one of my eyes open. I fought so hard to move my hand, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I used it to open my other eye. I was struggling and my eye was going haywire, finally I came out of it. But, of course, the first second my eyes closed, another episode began and I was helplessly frozen.



I'm just really scared, and I wish there was more I could do. Hah, I just had a sick, twisted, humerous, not actually so funny thought. Not one I should share though. Anyway, I'll go ahead and end the entry. Just needed someone to talk to... Or somewhere to write.

Why when I say I give up, crush me, you leave me to suffer, and why when I fight for life you hold me down to where I can't even breathe....



Is this all a game to you? To torment me so, that I not only lose my being, but my mind as well?



I can't take this shit, and all you do is laugh and provoke, providing ridicule, bringing me down...



I just want to live in peace, why won't you allow me that? Do you find pleasure in toying with my head?



That I'm sure you do... And all I seem to be doing is losing more and more each day, while you win the battle of my sanity...



Why me? I don't understand....



I know certain things are like 'You have a 1/1000000000000000 chance of blahblahblah happening to you.'



So that means, out of those 1000000000000000 people, at least one of them will have it occur.



And you know none of them expect themselves to be that very rare 1. But it has to be 1 of them, and the one it is more than likely never thought it would be them.



And then they're crushed...



Is that me?



I don't know! I'm just trying to rationalize sense out of nonsense....



I feel a little down right now, and I don't know what to do. I need to find something to keep me busy, because I can't sleep...

I strongly suggest you look up this song and listen to it while you read the lyrics if you really want to understand how I feel and get the whole meaning out of it.





Otep

» Possession



sing to me my muses

lost in the hot cyclops anarchy

possession

invention

blood, blood

spirits, spirits

spirits, spirits

calling, calling

where will these visions lead?

how far dare i go?

where will this song take me?

into the deep unknown

yeah

spirits, spirits

come, come



hope the prophets and the gods came prepared for this

so we dine on divine of the mind impaired

preaching werewolf prayers on a nightly flight

it's taken all we ate in the pale moonlight

feel the urge of the power surge connect us all

bringing kingdoms under siege with the words that i control

gotta be nice you got your blind success

only love can set me free from this patriotic quest

test me once and i secretly die alone

while a toy in the face in the faces of the hawk

walk in the wilderness of the mind

so i decide to die and leave a friend of mine behind



possession, invention

invite discovery

surrender to pleasures

lost in ecstasy

survive

i lie you are my enemy

you die for lies, slave to misery



bring in the battleground

laying wasted the competition

of connected intellects and the say the soul systems

i decree mutiny

it's revolution us against the patriarchy

disassemble the soul, full of knowledge untold

while i spin the webs of wisdom prophecies unfold

into tech mode to decipher the code

a babylon drives all to have a memory load

mental states decide for all races

urgency of rage in these grimmy little places

prepare for warfare

nothing but the knowledge of america's nightmare

yeah



possession, invention

invite discovery

surrender to pleasures

lost in ecstasy

survive

i lie you are my enemy

you die for lies, slave to misery



sometimes i sit and ask myself what have i become?

what have i become?

what... have i become?

what... have i become?

what... have i become?

what have i become?

something's taking over me

something's taking over me

something's taking over me

something's taking over me



you paint your face with the blood of weed

self sacrifice everyone you meet

scream at demons in my face

theres voices of the dead left here in my head

i survive, i'm alive

i render fever to watch you burn

kill your leaders to help you learn

i survive, i'm alive

Well, Derick and I had to go to court today. We were supeonaed(not sure if that's spelled right). It wasn't about what I wrote about a few nights ago though. It was over a previous nightmare night about a month or so ago. Darien and Mike had to go to court because of a huge fight they had, bad enough to where I had to call the police because I thought one of them might have ended up dead. Derick and I tried our best to restrain them but to no avail. So, the cops had to be called, and I don't ever like calling cops. We've had to see too many while we've been up here, so Derick and I are seriously thinking about leaving this place. We came here to get away from drama, and we end up finding more.

Why can't people just be peaceful and understanding? Why let the anger control you? I guess I can't say much about control though, when I can't even control my own brain from dysfunctioning and going against me... I just wish everything could be..... could be right, nice, happy, kind, understanding, conversating, unupsetting, forever truthful, and undecietful... It's hard to explain, and I probably don't do a very good job of it, but I try the best I can.

Mike wouldn't even look at us or come talk to us today. He saw us pull up to the court and he turned around, walked quickly to put his cig out, then bolted inside. Purposely trying to stay as far away as possible... I just guess it's another treasured friend lost. Why does this shit have to happen? I don't understand...



http://youtube.com/watch?v=NrfUckNsGHM